Where do we go from here?

November 6, 2010 at 6:54 am (Peanut)

About six months ago, our lives were irrevocably changed.  We were thrilled.  But we didn’t want to tell anyone.  Call me superstitious, but I just wanted to keep it a secret.  But after three more months and a lot of morning, noon and night sickness, we wanted to tell the world.  Well, at least my husband did.  We wanted to tell Sunshine and Ladybug.

And then July 31, 2010 happened.  It was one quick moment.  All I did was stand up.  In the middle of a crowded restaurant.  A massive gush of blood later, and I thought we’d lost the baby we were so longing for.  The ride home to take my children to a neighbor seemed to take forever.  I was sobbing; scaring my children, I’m sure.  Those hours that we spent thinking we’d lost the baby? Well, I wish that I could forget them.

They wouldn’t let my husband back into the ultrasound with me.  So I got to find out about 45 minutes before he did that our baby was still alive.  I was so numb though that I’m not even sure how I felt.  Relieved, I’m sure.  I thought the worst of it was over.   But then it happened again.  And again.  And again.  And somewhere in the midst of all that worry I just shut down.

For so long it was so hard to believe that we would walk out of this with a healthy baby.  Nobody could tell us what the rest of this pregnancy would hold.  We were told that each day that we went without a hemorrhage was one step closer to a healthy baby.  But maybe not, there might be all these new complications later in the pregnancy.  Doom and gloom with a small side of optimism was our visit with the perinatologist.

But lately the kicks are so strong, so vital, that I have to think that everything is going to be OK.  And later on, when I hold this beautiful, stubborn child in my arms, I will have to tell him or her about how tenacious they were.  How it saved them.  And how it is a blessing.



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